Tentatively Tasmanian

My husband Craig* loves Aussie Rules football. He tries to catch most games each weekend, but when his beloved Adelaide Crows are playing, that’s the signal for me to head out on a long walk because he is so ONE-EYED and has a jolly old time complaining loudly about umpire’s decisions and over-looked free kicks that I’m never quite sure if I should be responding to him or massaging his shoulders.

Some nights though, I pick up my knitting, take the occasional sip from my glass of wine and watch with him. Only if it’s not a Crow’s game of course, because then the stress is not evident and it’s easier to comment on the ridiculous moustaches, mullets and tattoos that some of the players have, along with a sympathetic ‘Oooof’ when one inevitably gets smashed in a tackle and taken off the ground with concussion.

As you Aussie readers know, Toyota has sponsored AFL for a couple of decades. Their ‘Oh what a feeling’ adverts are instantly recognisable and a credit to the advertising agency who created it.

However, by celebrating ‘Oh what a feeling’ with ‘Still Feeling it’ painted in large letters for the TV cameras to pick up on the oval seems a tad….. masturbatory?

It was then I decided to read my phone, knit a few more rows and simply listen to the commentators as opposed to feeling a combination of amusement and annoyance at the Toyota grass painting.

It was Saturday night, and we were watching Geelong get surprisingly hammered, then briefly recover, before eventually losing the game against Brisbane. Each time I heard something without seeing it on the screen, I jotted it down on my ‘notes’ app. If these were said in any other context, it would surely make for some interesting assumptions.

So here we go. Every single word was uttered, but I’ve not put their comments in chronological order, but one that suits the words stated. Brace yourselves.

Brisbane v Geelong Sat 22nd July
Brisbane 64, Geelong 53

Stilted ball movement
Penetration
Slotted that one in
Goes bang!
Tackle
Took one for the team
So bold and adventurous
Made the big move at half time
Can X get over the top?
Prefers to go by hand
Just a bit unlucky for the big O (opposing ruckman)
Generally reliable from the corridor
We were talking about ball movement and the ball needs to be in your hands to be effective!
Just not coming together
McInerney does it himself
Fletcher was in a two-on-one situation
Get some flow going
He was absolutely flushed
He needs to get over the stoppage and pick up some touches
He’s the main ball winner in the clinches
Here’s a chance to score
8 behinds
The grab from Jeremy Cameron!
They’re getting absolutely belted
Will this set him off?
That’s better, that’s different!
He’s been magnificent
Made an excellent fist of it
Been an off night for these cats
Fletcher with his hands to the inside
He’s got to get it over Harris Andrews
He’s had a nothing night so far
I’m not going down there!
Payne had his way with Small
Gotta nail that tackle
What a pick up from the big O (Brissie ruckman)
Guthrie wobbles one out
Let’s have a look at who’s inside
Payne full of desire!
Payne’s been huge on Hawkins

There’s a whistle. Why?

50 precious seconds: what can you do?

And my personal favourite: “No one will be riding it harder than that man Chris Fagan.”

So Toyota’s slogan, ‘Still Feeling It,’ seems oddly appropriate considering the above remarks from the commentators.

Next time you’re stuck with footy on the television, avert your gaze and giggle at the double entendres. It’s immature, but free entertainment.